One day, I flew away...

I had to.. I got sick.. I got really sick.. Remember when Giddo carried me to the hospital? When I passed out in the school? Your school, that I taught in to never leave your side? Please don’t forget.. I never wanted you to see me like that, but your teacher brought you and you saw me.. I think that’s what God wanted for you to see; so that you’d never believe any lies...

I miss you so much.. So very much.. I wish I could have packed you in my suitcase.. It’s ok to take a cat, but not you! How can a mother not have her baby with her wherever she went! How can animals roam around freely, and borders separate human families just like that!

I always feel shy when sharing my experience; as there are literally millions of people suffering from worse situations.. But I do! I share it.. I write.. Can’t stop.. It’s all I could do...

I share it with everybody I know and don’t know.. A PART OF ME IS NOT ON ME! I have my ID, totally and completely incomplete!

How long will it take to get you back?

I remember leaving at dawn, my favorite time of the day.. Travelling without you.. without holding your hand in mine.. Without taking care of you every step of the way.. I don’t know how I reached here.. I swear don’t know how it happened.. I don’t know how I’m living..

He Wants me to be here without you.. The Lord of the worlds.. And I’m trying to be patient.. Trying hard..

Are you praying for us to reunite? Are you having me in your dreams? Are you the only girl motherless this Mother’s Day?

I’m so sorry.. I couldn’t have done it any better.. I did my best, always have, and He Knows; He Is my Witness..

........

Baby,

I don’t know when will you read this, if ever.. If you do, know that I was oppressed.. Know that I’m half a woman without you.. Know that the lump has never left my throat.. In fact it got worse.. Know that Teta’s eyes have become weak from crying.. Her tears never dried..

We ask Allah to protect you from evil.. To protect you from sorrow.. To protect you from growing up quicker than you’re supposed to, and from losing your childhood so fast..

I tried hard since you were a year and a couple of months old to not let you know about divorce in its typical Arab downgraded way..

And long before that I worked hard on protecting your ears and heart from the distortion.. The distortion I’ve tried hard to survive..

I love you so much baby, I don’t know if you’ll ever remember our times together.. I pray you do..

I’m not saying I’m a perfect mother, but I did and still do my best.. Even when we’re far.. Even when they don’t let us talk.. For days and nights.. For weeks and weeks! Even if they never let me see you again.. I’m doing my best..

You are the heart of my heart.. Soul of my soul.. Blood of my blood.. Apple of my eye.. “You’re my cuppycake”, remember? I used to sing you this song when you were still inside my womb.. I’m sure you’d know what a womb is if you’re reading this now.. It’s what made me your Mommy.. And now it’s broken.. Just like my heart and soul.. Like Teta’s.. Giddo’s.. Khalos’ and Auntie’s..

I’ll still sing it for you, will you hear me? Remember when you used to blow me kisses in secret and then ask me if I felt them? In the back seat in the car while I’m driving, and when you were away in school? “Did you feel something mommy?” 

I always felt you baby..

Always <<33

I hope you do!

“You're my Honeybunch, Sugarplum

Pumpy-umpy-umpkin, You're my Sweetie PieYou're my Cuppycake, GumdropSnoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of my EyeAnd I love you so and I want you to knowThat I'll always be right hereAnd I love to sing sweet songs to youBecause you are so dear”~Cuppycake song~